Sometimes, we love each other, but the words that speak out was the most bad words to hurt him. Treat the husband that business party comes home late, we want to say originally: "so late come home, I am very worried about you", but do not know why, open mouth is "every day drink those cups of horse urine go home so late, roll to the road to sleep"; To treat mom and dad's care and greetings, we would have said: "mom and dad, I will take good care of myselves," but blurted out is "bored to death, every day blablabla,,,"; To the help of good friends, we would like to say: "thank you brother", but the words on the tip of the tongue: "anyway you are rich". Because of our insincere words, we argue with our loved ones constantly, which gradually wears away our deep feelings. Obviously we do not want to hurt each other, but we can not control ourselves to "do", to make.
This hurtful behavior is because we are afraid to face our hearts and acknowledge the need for our loved ones. So we choose a relatively "safe" approach, using aggression to get their attention to our emotions. Because it is risky for us to express our feelings with "I" as the main body. "I love you" "I need you" makes the other person feel that I am important to him and that I can control his emotions and needs.
Such a situation makes us worry: what if the other person hurts us at random? What if he doesn't care if he gets it? What if he takes it out on me? We may flash back to some previous traumatic experience. For example, when we were very young, we trusted mom and dad with all our heart, but they kept our secrets to the table for conversation and made us a joke. The experience of being "betrayed" by a loved one may make us feel that authentic expression is actually a handle that will only allow the loved one to hurt ourselves unscrupulously.